from The Art of Power by Thich Nhat Hanh
This idea came to me as I was in the jeepney on the ride home, just staring into nothingness and wondering what I would do on the following days. Random thoughts sometimes enter my mind, thoughts that were brilliant that I actually want to not forget. Sometimes I just feel like I want something or someone to help me let out my thoughts, so I decided to make a thought diary.
I really wanted to do one of these New Year Resolutions thing but was too scatterbrained and just wrote really long things and were just plain confusing to get through. So I found this tag today and decided to do it because it’s a very straightforward one.
12 Highlights from 2012
- I graduated high school which has been so unreal for me. I remember back when I was just a sophomore I’ve wanted so bad to graduate but when I finally became a senior, and as the days go passing by, I realized I really didn’t want to. I didn’t want to grow up, have responsibilities and be more mature. Looking back, everything was easier back then. I’ve probably wouldn’t have thought that it was easy in the past but right now when I remember all my problems, I realize it’s not that much of a big deal. But also, graduating high school has to come even if I didn’t want to. I guess after that I just grew up and become more like an adult. Of course I’m still me but representing myself into the outside - definitely more mature.
- I finished my first semester in college. I have to admit, that has been the toughest time I’ve ever have to get through. Everything was overwhelming - my life, my relationships, my subjects. Every bad thing just came crashing down for me in one go. I’ve struggled with some personal things - things that my only enemy was myself. I’ve struggled with acceptance and expectations and if you read a certain post here, you will know what I’m talking about. But I’m so glad that semesters only last 4 months and after that it’s another fresh start. I’m really thankful that I went through all of that because right now I feel as strong as ever.
- I started this blog. This has really helped me just vent out everything I needed to and I’ve always said that this blog is for my future self and that is really true. Whenever I’m down or I need a bit of inspiration sometimes I read my past posts or my school resolutions and it just keeps me going. I also read the sad stuff and it makes me really happy that I got out of that situation standing tall. With all the whirlwinds that happened in 2012, I’m glad that I have a journal to write everything in.
- I finally designed my room. And I love it. The tree on my wall beside my bed - it’s just amazing. It took me a week to finish everything up but all of it is worth it because every time I’m in my room I just feel really peaceful.
- I’m perfectly happy with my hair now, and my hair’s perfectly happy with me. This is probably one of the best things that happened to me this year: It’s that I’ve accepted my traits. I know I wasn’t born with perfectly straight hair that everyone thinks is cool and beautiful. Nope, I was born with big wavy hair. A lot of people keep telling me to go to the salon and permanently straighten it, but I just smile at them because I love my hair, and I wouldn’t change anything about it.
- I started to really branch out in fashion. And don’t get me wrong, I still haven’t finished it yet. What I mean is I started to fix my closet and just get to know who I am and my style. And this year, it would be one fashion explosion, I tell you. So far, I love all my clothes and I can’t wait to wear them. I’m just not finished building it all up yet!
- I became more confident - in speech, in recitation, in everything. Yeah, sometimes I do get those days where I just feel completely worthless but whenever I’m at school, I just remember this one thing this certain boy have said to me: “Her voice is really soft.” And I just get furious. lol I don’t want to be called soft. I want to have a strong voice and a good grade, so I just speak with confidence. And it’s the first time I did that in my life.
- This is probably going to sound really funny but I bought my first makeup this year and that’s actually a milestone for a girl. The time when she wants to take more time on getting herself done and ready to take on the day - primped and confident. I think I’ll be much more like that now this year.
- This is a vague one but this year, I’ve just done a lot of reflecting - probably the most I’ve done ever. I had a lot of time hating myself then I also had so much accepting myself. A lot of times I have broken down and cried for things I can’t control. Sometimes I force myself not to cry because I would view it as weakness. I’ve smiled at myself a lot in the mirror and also hid the mirrors so I wouldn’t see myself. Looking back, 2012 has been one of the most emotionally exhausting year. I felt like I wasn’t satisfied with myself, I worried a lot, I expected a lot and paid the price. But like I said, with those reflecting, I got to know myself even more and I grew to love myself and just accept that I will never be like those flawless skinny girls. I am my own self and I will love myself for who I am.
- I got my first ever boots! I never owned any boots before and those pair are perfect for me. I got them at the thrift store, really cheap for what they are - real leather, brown ankle doc martens. I love them so much, I can wear them anytime. <3
- I’ve found a talent at painting. It’s one of those spontaneous things that just happened. We got assigned to paint something for art class - for the first time - and I just copied a picture I saw in a planner and the next thing I knew, everyone started admiring it, even if I didn’t know the reason why. With that assignment, I found a love for mixing colors and creating variety of vibrancy and all those nice things. I love painting and I’m hoping to learn about it more this year, really just try to be better at it.
- I had my very first sleep over. It was nothing big. It was in my room and two of my classmates came to sleep over due to this really big finals projects (back in high school) and it was really fun. We shared all these secrets - big, dark secrets no one should know about. Oh my, it was one of the best nights ever. I’ll never forget that.
- I want to fully and whole-heartedly love myself and accept all my flaws. A state where no one can take me down anymore, no one can get me down and depressed. A state where I can just say, “Tell me something I don’t know.”
- I want to learn how to drive this year. I’m gonna be seventeen in five months. I think it’s time.
- I want to take care of my skin and basically my whole body a lot more this year. I really want to achieve clearer, better skin because late 2012 I didn’t even care for my whole body so this year I will do my best.
- I want to get fit and healthy. Just eating healthy and working out maybe 4 to 5 times a week is great. Maybe I’ll even include my little brother during my workouts. ;)
- I want to be more organized about school, and just have a nice study routine that I can really follow. And of course, just love school for what it is. No pressure, no boys. Just learning.
- I want to take that big fashion leap this year. Wear the things I want to wear, buy investment pieces, thrift maybe once or twice a month, express who I am through fashion. <3
- Also, I want to explore more things about the makeup world. I never want to look unnatural but I really want to just be a lady with that girly part of myself that just wants to get dolled up.
- I want to get closer to God, and right now my only idea is to basically talk to him every night, just knowing that I’m in his guidance.
- I want to learn how to prioritize my life more. Often times I get so overwhelmed about all of the things in my life but the only thing I have to do is to know my priorities so this year, I really want to know how to do that.
- I want to become happier this year. Just that.
- I want to read a lot more books. Main things I really want to focus on: dystopian novels, horror and fashion books.
- I just really want to work hard for school, just do the best I can do for every work that is given to me.
- I really want to have those spa nights every week this year. Just time for myself, no stressing out, doing whatever the heck I want with no thought of the world and just plain goofing off. I want to stop stressing about everything everyday and just have one day every week a time for myself.
What was your most loved TV show of 2012?
Definitely The Walking Dead. Awesome show.
What was your most loved song of 2012?
Vagabond by Wolfmother. Heard it from (500) Days of Summer, just makes me so inspired whenever I listen to it.
What was your worst decision/flaw of 2012?
I have two because I suck this year. First, I expected so much from this guy I like who didn’t even give one single shit about me and basically that lead me to question myself if I was good enough and just..depression. Also with that, I hated myself and and actually told myself I wasn’t good enough. I’m not beautiful and I’m worthless and I don’t deserve anyone. I never want to go back to that state, ever.
What were your most visited websites of 2012?
Definitely Youtube and Lookbook. :)
So that’s it for that. Let this be a good year for all of us :) <3
I guess you can call me the girl with the low self esteem. I guess you can call me the girl who never entirely loved herself for who she is. I’ve always been the girl that looks down on the ground while walking, looks away when spoken to or just merely avoids the thought of conversation. Why? Because I don’t want people to judge me. I don’t want people to point out my flaws right in my face. I don’t want to see their eyes slowly scanning every part of you as if you’re something to be evaluated before bought when in reality they should be looking straight in your eyes, not judging in the process.
I know this is the most superficial thing ever but sometimes…I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it how people can be so mean and critical like everything has to be presented perfectly in front of them. I’ve always said that I love myself, that I accept what I look like. Right now I’m doubting myself if what I said was real, or was I just in denial? I mean, can you really blame me that I have really low self esteem even though it’s the people around me that points out my flaws right in my face? Can you really blame me even when there are times when I feel really confident about myself, I go out to face the world and the second I do, I get ridiculed for it?
There are numerous times when I just broke down, cried, and buried myself in my blankets for hours because of rude insensitive people. And the worst part? Some of them are my family whom I see every single day.
It’s not my fault I’m a teenager. It’s not my fault that my hormones are exploding all over the place. Why do you have to give me shit about it? Sometimes I think that it’s not me who makes myself insecure…it’s the people. Sometimes I feel like I have to do this and that just to look good in front of them. It’s not that I don’t want anyone to see who I am it’s the people who don’t want to see me. And that just plain sucks. The thought of reaching that high standards that society made just so you can be seen as a well-rounded person, just so they would have that double-take, that you’re beautiful and maybe underneath that is a great personality. And if you’re not pretty? Well, they won’t even give you a second look. Maybe tell you you’re ugly and walk away.
It’s Christmas today and underneath all these negativity is a reason. A reason that just broke me into pieces and maybe time can only tell when I fully recover from it. A reason that just summarizes all my feelings into three simple words: “I’ve had enough.”
You see, Christmas is the only time when you celebrate with those great family relatives you only seldom meet. They see you last Christmas, they’ll see you again the next year. Quite frankly I’m not one to dress up for Christmas. I only will if I feel the need to. A lot of people were coming to our house, most of which I don’t know and only my mom and dad knows them so I just stay in my room until they’re gone. But my cousins in my mom’s side decided to pay us a visit again this year.
As soon as I heard the knock on my bedroom door I sprang up from bed, fixed my hair to look presentable and smiled at myself in the mirror, seeing as though I look perfectly okay. But as soon as I opened the door I saw my cousin’s confused expression, and then following that she exclaimed,
“What happened to your face?!”
That brought me down but not entirely. I get it. I have scars on my cheeks and a lot of people makes me feel like crap about it. Even though I heard that a lot, it still stings, but I guess now it’s not as much as before.
So what do I do when I feel down? I go to my brother. I’ve always considered him as my best friend, the only person I can really open up to and not be ashamed about it. But looking back now, I guess in his eyes, I’m just his sister - who bugs him all the time because when I told him about what happened and what my adorable cousin said, it went like this:
“Why are people so mean sometimes?”
“Well, the minute I opened the door, she exclaimed “What happened to your face?!”
“It’s not mean, it’s true.”
I looked at him in a bewildered expression and he said,
“What? Am I supposed to cheer you up or something?”
I suppose typing those words like this won’t come as intense as how I feel right now. I guess it’s the fact that the shoulder you’ve always leaned on…wasn’t real. Maybe I’m over exaggerating. Maybe I just wanted to hear him say all those weren’t true. I just thought that he’ll be there whenever I need help. I don’t have many friends. Quite frankly I can just count on one hand whom I consider my real ones. I don’t like sharing my feelings with anyone. I don’t like to show my vulnerability in front of anyone. But I found that I’m comfortable showing that to my brother but now…maybe I just feel so lost.
I feel so worthless and maybe right now I’m believing him. Maybe there’s no hope for me anymore. Maybe I’m just this girl who everyone whispers about saying “She would be pretty if you didn’t have so much acne.” I feel really stupid now, believing that I am. I feel so stupid for showing myself in front of the world with a bare face, with my real face that’s not as perfect as everyone has. I feel stupid for going to the mall and browsing the clothes, maybe people there asked themselves why should I even go to a place where nice clothes don’t even fit me. Maybe people don’t deserve to look at me. They don’t deserve this piece of crap to be shown in front of their eyes.
I’ve always contemplated on buying cosmetics because they can sometimes be too much maintenance but I guess after all this my decision is final. I guess following the norm it is. Maybe it’s the most practical thing. I guess that way I won’t be abused anymore.
For the past few days, I’ve just been really sad and stressed out. It’s the 23rd or December today; it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow and you know what? I’ve just realized that today. I don’t know why I’m depressed, I just am. Maybe it’s because of school. I worry about school a lot because the past month have just been basically orientation to the courses I’m taking - you know, mild topics and easy lectures. But next year, in the upcoming four months, it will be one hell of a semester. I know it just sounds downright obvious but I just tend to worry a lot. Even my brother says I have problems of anxiety and right now I don’t know how to calm myself down. I’ve been watching YT but none of them are really helping me. Every time I watch something, there’s always a voice in the back of my head that keeps saying “Go study! You’re running out of time!” And it’s saying I’m running out of time because I go back at the 8th of January. And I know that’s still a long time but I don’t know, I always have a feeling like I should be doing this and that, I should be catching up with my lessons or doing some advance study during this break. I should be doing that but sometimes I can’t cause I need to enjoy this vacation too, right?
To be honest I haven’t been enjoying this vacation. I can’t even feel that it’s Christmas time. Yes, there are gifts and yes, there are pretty lights all around…but where’s the love? Where are the little kids that run around with that glint in their eyes being all happy that it is finally Christmas time?
Maybe I’m having pre-Christmas depression. Maybe I’m having problems adjusting to this kind of Christmas because every year in high school, early November or October, we would rehearse everyday to compete in our school’s Christmas choir contest. And that has always been a tradition for me. It has stuck by me for the past three years and every time November’s coming up, I would always feel like it’s Christmas already because we’ll start rehearsing the Christmas songs and we’ll have Christmas projects. But now that I’m in college, it wouldn’t be like that anymore and it makes me sad because I can’t even feel Christmas and it’s like every person I watch in YT feels Christmas and gets excited by it and I don’t. I guess I’m getting “homesick” again or maybe I’m just not used to this yet. I really hope tomorrow would be a fun Christmas with my family. My cousins are coming over and we’ll watch nice movies and eat a lot.
With other things, I’ve just finished reading two modules in my Art Studies class and I don’t quite understand few parts of it but I will be writing a whole summary of those later. It’s ridiculous because my Art Studies modules are nearly two inches thick I have to really start going through those tonight. My English test will be up on the first week of school. I haven’t studied for that yet and oh god, that test will kill me. There are a lot of items to memorize. It’s not even the typical English test where essays exist. No, this is a determine this and that sort of thing and I have to memorize over 50 fallacies, read 3 essays and over 12 types of reading assertions or something like that. It’s mind-blowing. I don’t like my English professor; I think she’s lazy. She just sits in the back of the room and let the students speak for her. She does not give additional knowledge, she just merely repeats what we say which is ridiculous if you ask me. How can I learn a whole lot of things if she doesn’t even give her own knowledge to the crowd?
I’ve finished my homework in Philosophy which I’m still not sure whether what I did was right. Just..I wanna laugh at myself. I’m so stupid. I’ll also be re-writing my notes after Christmas celebrations just to get the school-feel back so I can study for my English test efficiently.
In what’s happening in my life, I’ve received my Christmas money and I don’t know where to spend it. It’s funny how I always wanted this and that but the second I get money I don’t want to throw it away. Maybe I’ll get a planner once me and my brother go post-Christmas shopping but other than that, I just want to finally buy the many brushes I’ve always planned on buying. I just can’t tell you enough that 2013 will be an exciting one. Even this moment I can feel that I’m really growing and becoming what I want to be. Next year will be full of accomplishments and milestones, I can really feel it.
I want to have this type of sunglasses. I will have them. Lol. *distracted*
Anyway, that’s it for my rambles about life. I hope if you’re reading this you understood what I said because whenever I’m really down I just…words do not do me justice. lol
I hope you’re doing well today. Merry Christmas.
When you see that certain someone, he makes you question your beliefs - in a harmful way. What am I even doing? Is this important? Am I not good enough? Is this real? Is it where I should be?
I know what I want. I know what I want to do..but every time that happens, I just get so discouraged with no apparent reason. I feel like I can’t reach that place where he’s in..but do I need to reach him? Why would I want to? Is this all for him?
And I know it’s not but why do I feel so down and why do I question myself if I’m good enough?
It’s unhealthy, I know but I guess being indirectly rejected has so much depressing downsides. It’s just..FML.
So today is going to be just a short post of my November reminiscing, just looking back at the past month and appreciating what I’ve done. I’m a little bit late on this because school has been a lot busy and I got a little off track but I’m okay now. I also haven’t been getting enough sleep this past week ‘cause of sudden deadlines and assignments but overall, I think it has been a great month. First thing I’m proud of is that I never fell asleep in class - especially on boring lectures. I did the droopy thing but I immediately drank hot tea and woke up. That’s a plus ‘cause I love hot tea. I also listen very well to my professors now. I don’t get distracted and I take really good notes. Also, I rewrite my notes, which is a happy thing for me I love pen and paper. I also have been reciting quite often in class and my reports have been quite awesome. I never thought I can speak like that in front.
Oh, also..I did eye contact. Can you believe that? I can do eye contact now! During reporting. I don’t have to face the wall at the back of the class or the ceiling. I never thought I could do that, you know? I just did and it’s quite surprising.
I also ran for two weeks straight at the beginning of the month but I’m ashamed to say I haven’t done a full month ‘cause of school and well, laziness. I promise I’ll do it this night. I really want to, but my room was messy and I keep thinking I have lots to do so I don’t do it but tonight and the preceding days I will.
And the one upside-slash-downside deed this month was that I bought my first ever makeup. Yeah, I was proud of myself actually and was quite happy with it but I didn’t have a good experience with foundation shade matching and all that kinda stuff. When I put it on, I just look..dead. Maybe it was because that’s the only thing I put on and the color doesn’t match me either, it was too dark but the SA said it was right for me. How wrong was she. First off, the minute I got home, I realized it was pink-toned. I’m a very palish yellow-tone. Yup, that wasn’t a really good experience and I thought that I didn’t really like the thought of makeup because it just looks so fake. I’ve contemplated on it for a few days then I realized, it’s a form of an art..that’s why I liked it in the first place. It wouldn’t look fake if you know how to use it. And I do, but at that time, I’m ashamed to say that I bought my first because I want to mask up, to cover, but that shouldn’t be what it is. I think it’s a form of expression and I want to start fresh again, to start from scratch and build a nice foundation for that girly part of me. On January, I want to start the year by buying cheap but good quality brushes.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m really hurrying this post up because I need to study and rewrite my notes again. That’s what I’ve been doing (or, what I want to do) on a Saturday.